Abscence makes the heart grow fonder: Regretful feelings

Experienced it a lot. I think I was cursed to not love someone. The guy's I like or the guys who'd like me would feel a sense of rejection even if I didn't mean it. I seriously hate myself. Like in Elementary, I had this bestfriend, he was my first guy friend and we were really close. Seeing the gap for more than 10 years I'm seriously sad. He's a good guy, if I hadn't said those harsh words maybe there would have been something special. It's just that, that time I was young and I preferred being with my friend girls, he didn't really had guy friends at that time so he'd always tag along. I wasn't in the best of mood either, so after that day he changed completely. A few years later, I met him and he thanked me for pushing him away, it gave him a new outlook and gained more guy friends. I regretted it, because like the saying I missed him. Another was a close friend of mine. He's Asian and he is hated for being straight up and having a bad mouth. I don't mind his jokes because we are used to teasing each other, we are really comfortable around each other. I liked someone else at that time and didn't noticed, well actually I thought he was joking when he said he liked me, he always said he liked others so to me it was nothing, but it did caught me off guard since one of my friend witnessed it. I didn't say I liked him too... I wasn't the reason he drifted apart though, his jokes were mean to the point he was kicked off from our group because he made my friend cry, I still talk to him but he has his own friends now and maybe another girl he likes, but he was one of the guys who I actually had feelings for and was late to realize it. I was scared that it was a joke and didn't tell him my true feelings, now he is completely gone and we barely talk to each other. He was also the first guy besides my brother or younger cousins whom I hugged. I don't even hug my other guy friends. I'm A fool in love, I was cursed to give the wrong signs and realize my feelings until later.